by Lance Thompson

The nation’s mood seems less that buoyant these days. Whether it’s buyer’s remorse from the presidential election, plummeting stock prices and shrinking 401Ks, or wrangling in Washington over how many zeros to add to the blank check the politicians are forcing us to sign, we seem to be in a rather sour mood.

Thus, the Good News Network will be inaugurated today, dedicated to putting a positive spin even on the most negative news.

The presidential election is over. This is good news for those in “battleground” states, who will enjoy a reprieve from the incessant drumbeat of campaign commercials and pitches for their votes. They can go back to the comparatively cerebral Geico spots and Super Bowl ad reruns.

Seven trillion dollars, the latest estimate of the nonexistent funds the federal government will spend on the economic crisis, seems staggering. The good news is that this gargantuan line of credit, secured by American taxpayers, is so large that Democrats no longer complain about the cost of the war in Iraq. The porcine bailout is so massive, it makes the war in Iraq look like an impulse buy.

Illegal immigration was scarcely mentioned in the presidential campaign after Mitt Romney dropped out, but international gate crashers are still drawn to job opportunities and thriving economies. The good news is that now the economy south of the border looks better than what’s going on in the north. That giant sucking sound that Ross Perot used to talk about is the flocking of illegals back to their comparatively prosperous land of origin.

The struggling economy has domestic car manufacturers begging at the federal trough for relief from plummeting sales. The good news is that the same struggling economy has brought the price of oil and gas down to the lowest levels in years, and we can all afford to drive the gas-guzzling classics and massive SUV’s that will soon be outlawed by the car czar.

If Barack Obama’s campaign promises are to be believed, the military will be drastically downsized by government committees and withdrawn from Iraq by presidential order. The good news is that our military has been so effective in the last few years that al Qaeda and the Taliban have already been downsized. Admittedly, the downsizing was accomplished by precision guided munitions and attrition rather than by committees, and the withdrawals were compelled by effective tactics rather than presidential decree, but the result is the same.Terrorist organizations are severely damaged after seven years of war.

Of course, there’s good news even for the beleaguered bad guys. Now they, too, can place their faith in “hope and change.”