Tuesday
Feb262008
Clinton Comeback Vehicles
Tuesday, February 26, 2008 at 05:30AM 
Barack Obama has won eleven straight primaries, is picking up superdelegates, has female supporters swooning in the front rows of his rallies, and seems well on his way to jogging first across the finish line at the Democrat convention in Denver. Hillary Clinton, once the presumptive front runner, now struggles to keep competitive, and her epitaph, if not widely circulated, is certainly pre-written in news offices across the country, just waiting for the concession speech.
I wouldn’t count on that speech coming any time soon. Presidential aspiration is so much a part of the Clinton DNA that if Hillary got a mosquito bite, the mosquito would run for president, and everybody the mosquito bit subsequently would form an exploratory committee. Hillary will not concede. However, it also looks just as unlikely that she will prevail. This will be a major disappointment to her ex-President husband as well.
Repugnant as the thought of living somewhere other than 1600 Pennsylvania avenuewill be to the Clintons, they should still consider options for 2009 and beyond. Much of the Clintons’ support has come from Hollywood. It may be in Hollywood where they find the key to the rest of their lives. Here are some vehicles they might use to get there:
American Idle: This reality show chronicles the world travels of a certain still-popular ex-President who embarrassed his party and crippled his wife’s own White House run with race-baiting and egocentric posturing. Our hero globetrots from Saudi royal galas to Chinese cultural extravaganzas, occasionally dropping by the local Hooters to conduct a talent search for stimulating travel companions.
Hilly and Teddy: This groundbreaking series would be the first reality sitcom, following the boisterous backroom bickering between two well-known but increasingly irrelevant Senators from the East Coast whose dashed Presidential ambitions make them soul mates with a common kos. One is the aging, irascible, hard-drinking, loud-singing, bilingual Irishman who trades quips, misquotes and malapropisms with his bitter but unbowed divorcee colleague whose unique claim to fame is that she’s the only woman to be screwed by the first two black Presidents.
The Hype From Hope: This buddy picture formula follows two con men from the same home town who work the Bible Belt circuit with a lucrative faith healing scam. Bubba is the smooth-talking old pro, trawling the crowds for gullible young female acolytes to admit into his "ministry of love." The Huckster is the preacher, charming crowds with his homespun humor and folksy manner, always hoping to turn his faithful flock into a vast political action committee.
Political Makeover Apprentice: Every week, would-be Washington political strategists, pundits and power brokers, fresh from graduate poli sci programs, compete to revive a failing political career. Sometimes it’s advice on wardrobe and makeup (Ditch the pant suits–who are you, Kim Jong Il?); personality (Massage your face–that way it won’t crack if you smile.), or political triangulation (Maybe there’s a middle ground between being for the war and against the war.) The gimmick is, the guest politico is always a nationally-known New York Senator, who reacts to these well-meaning suggestions with her trademark send-off screech, "You’re Dead!"
Lost–the Next Flight: Jetliner carrying Barack Obama and his entire campaign staff suddenly comes apart in the air, and all aboard crash land on an uncharted island in the middle of the Pacific. Immediately, strange occurrences, paranormal phenomena, and mysterious visions set the survivors on edge, and try as they might, they can find no way back to civilization. Eventually, they discover an evil genius is behind their travails, controlling their destinies from a high-tech command center in a basement in Chappaqua, New York. Network commitment is for only six episodes, finale to be shown one week after the Democratic Convention.
Each of these proposals offers one or both of the Clintons a graceful exit from the political arena and a path to Hollywood stardom, should they be disappointed by the results of the 2008 campaign. But, as with all major players connected with a spectacular success, the Clintons will never stop thinking about a sequel.
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Reader Comments (1)
Superb! 'only woman to be screwed by the first two Black Presidents' - priceless.
For more Hillary hilarity go to my blog 'Chris Matthews Other Leg'
http://chrismatthewsotherleg.blogspot.com/