Hillary’s Three a. m. Caller
Friday, September 12, 2008 at 05:00AM 
by Lance Thompson
In the predawn hours a few weeks before the election, a telephone rings in Chappaqua. The junior senator from New York picks it up, and before she can even say "hello," the strained, weary voice of her opponent in the primaries abruptly begins.
"Okay, what do you want?"
The junior senator from New York, never slow on the uptake, nevertheless decides to savor the moment. "Why, Senator, whatever do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. We need you."
The junior senator from New York basks in the inner glow of the vanquished being courted by the victor. "But Senator," she coos innocently, "I have already agreed to campaign for you."
"We don’t want you to campaign. We want you as my running mate."
The junior senator from New York suppresses a cackle of satisfaction, checking to make sure the digital recorder is getting every word. "But, Senator, Joe Biden is your running mate."
"Biden!" The caller almost spits out the name. "He’s an albacore around my neck. His state is like 56th or 57th in size. We got the bounce of a brick out of that pick."
"But you can’t just kick him off the ticket."
"I’ve thought of that. I’ll use the text of the Eagleton resignation, sign Biden’s name, and accept it. People will assume that since it’s plagiarized, it must have come from Biden."
"You want me?" she asks, with an Oscar-worthy incredulity.
"I can’t go up against Palin with Michelle by my side. Oprah won’t even take her calls anymore. Eighteen million people already voted for you."
"This all seems so extreme," she says–extremely delicious, she’s thinking.
"Look, this Sarah Palin thing is a tsunami. We’re plummeting in the polls, our contributions have dropped to a trickle, and my books are being remainderized at Barnes and Noble. Nancy Pelosi has more readers than I do."
"Maybe if you took some bold new positions," the junior senator from New York offers helpfully.
"I’ve tried that. I’ve changed my positions on the war, on troop withdrawals, on tax cuts and tax hikes, on Reverend Wright and campaign financing. There’s not a flop I haven’t flipped, and none of it does any good. You’re the only one who can turn this around."
The junior Senator from New York is practically levitating on the divine satisfaction of the moment. "Well, there are a few arrangements I’d have to make."
"Such as..."
"I’ve got a rather large campaign debt."
"We’ll pay it."
"I’d need my own jet."
"We’ll buy it."
"I’ll have to augment my staff."
"We’ll cover all expenses."
The junior senator’s husband wanders in from the kitchen, munching on a sandwich. She motions for him to pick up the extension. He listens in and points to himself.
"We’d have to promise Bill something. Secretary of the Treasury or a spot on the Supreme Court."
"He’s got it."
"Then I would be delighted to come aboard."
"I’ll announce tomorrow."
"Just one other little thing–my office space in the new administration."
"What about it?"
"I don’t want it to have any corners."
"No corners? You mean you want to have the Oval Office?"
"I already have the furniture arrangement planned."
"I won’t give up the Oval Office. Michelle would kill me."
"Then I respectfully decline your invitation."
"If you refuse to join the ticket, we may never get to the White House."
"You may never get to the White House. But if things go well in 2012, I’ll make sure you get a tour."
Reader Comments (2)
Beautiful !!!!!
I love it, I got this site from a blog on larrysinclair.org surprize suprize. He is still alive and well and not giving up.