Close Gitmo, Open Amchitka

by Lance Thompson

The new occupant of the cornerless office wants to close the terrorist detention center at Guantanamo Bay. At last, here is an issue I agree with him on.

Guantanamo Bay is a terrible place to imprison terrorists who want to kill Americans. It’s a tropical paradise with great food, comfortable accommodations and culturally sensitive religious services. It’s cleaner and more pleasant than the countries of origin of any of the inmates, and is far too good for them.

If we’re really looking for an appropriate place to house terrorists, I nominate Amchitka. This Aleutian island in the ice-dotted Bering Sea is United States territory, but less temperate than the Caribbean paradise that is Guantanamo. There are 100-mph winds called williwaws that blow from every direction and were strong enough to bend steel runway mats into pretzel-like modern art during World War II. When the wind dies down, the rocky, treeless volcanic island is shrouded in freezing fog or pelted by rain or hail. There are American military bases nearby, but escapees are not a concern. Even if an enterprising fence-hopper could swim ten miles through the frigid waters of the Bering Sea to the nearest land, it would simply reach aptly-named Rat Island where unchecked rodents have devoured the sea birds that once nested there. Amchitka has already served the United States as a military base and a location for underground nuclear tests, so it would be the perfect home away from home for unrepentant jihadists.

If the island of the midnight sun sounds too chilly for our sensitive prisoners of the terror war, sun-baked California and Nevada deserts also offer perfect locations for detention. Both states have large desolate regions designated as military test ranges, where our armed services practice firing their precision munitions. A sturdy dormitory in the center of one of these bombing ranges would offer a warmer climate, if somewhat noisier than Amchitka. Our military pilots and air controllers would be able to sharpen their skills by obliterating targets all around the facility, thus making escape a “you-bet-your-life” proposition. Of course, if the inmates’ housing facility were inadvertently leveled by a miscalculation, then obviously that soldier, sailor or Marine would require further training.

The tourist attraction of the abandoned federal prison on Alcatraz Island has also been mentioned as a possible Gitmo stand-in. It already has prison buildings and infrastructure, though it is cold and drafty, and I personally wouldn’t want to drink any water provided by the century-and-a-half-old plumbing. The facility is famously escape-proof, although I believe Clint Eastwood pulled it off once in the late 70's. A devout Islamic terrorist would never dare escape from the island to the city of San Francisco, lest that city’s well-known tolerance of sexual deviants precipitate an encounter that would disqualify him from his eternal reward.

I also understand that Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Arizona volunteered to take the Gitmo homeless terrorists. But putting prisoners in tents, issuing them pink underwear, denying them cable television and internet connections, and forcing them to eat pbj sandwiches and apples for lunch like common criminals would probably be considered torture under the new rules, so I assume that possibility has been shelved.

Nonetheless, 250 terrorist prisoners, properly employed, could be a real boost to our economy. There are many worthwhile projects that have incredibly not been included in the stimulus bill that are awaiting manpower. For example, the Grand Canyon is inconveniently located in Arizona, favoring residents of the West. Gitmo grads could be put to work installing a new, man-made Grand Canyon at a more convenient site–perhaps in the featureless plains of the Midwest. With government-provided shovels and supervision, I’m sure the prisoners could make a good start long before their indefinite sentences expired.

Likewise, we are almost certain to experience another brutal hurricane season on the Gulf Coast. The Gitmo guys could be put to work building a levee from Texas to Florida, again with proper supervision. As an alternate, they could use their inherent familiarity with the desert to perform a related function–filling sand bags. Both of these projects would provide fresh air, exercise and also serve to make the prisoners too weary to escape.

So I join the President in looking forward to the closing of Guantanamo Bay. It is time we stopped coddling the enemies of this country, call off their government-subsidized vacations, and put them in facilities that properly reward their efforts. At least until their rooms are ready in the infernal regions.