by  Lance Thompson

I have never owned a car not built by General Motors in the continental United States.  My father used to sell General Motors cars, and owned everything from stately Buicks to flashy Corvettes.  So when Pesident Obama decided, first, to dump billions of dollars into General Motors, then to fire its CEO, and most recently to declare that it wouldn’t be so bad if the company went into bankruptcy after all, I had to look into it.  And because of my long association with the company, I was given a sneak peek at the many wonderful new products that will result from the Obama administration taking the helm.

Senator Ted Kennedy contributed a design for a wind turbine-powered limousine, the Schooner, which harnesses the power of the wind to propel the vehicle.  It takes a stiff breeze to activate the Schooner’s twelve-foot turbine, but the energy generated is stored in the Kennedy-patented “wind bag” until it is needed for propulsion.  The high-profile vehicle, with its sixteen-foot mast, is somewhat ungainly, but it is legal on all roads more than fifty miles from the Kennedy compound.  Naturally, the senator insisted on an amphibious option and a fully-stocked bar in the center console.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, in keeping with her tradition of international diplomacy, will re-badge a Russian import for domestic sale.  The new Potahtoe is based on a successful Soviet tractor design from the 1960's.  It sports the largest rear wheels in the industy (84 inches), and its only marketing drawback is that It Takes a Village to push-start it.   The one-seater places the driver in a high, commanding driving position, and instrumentation has been simplified to one button whose label is still mystifying linguists.  The Potahtoe is admittedly a gas guzzler, but it can attain almost six miles per gallon if the optional plow is left at home.  As an additional inducement, buyers are encouraged to petition oil-exporting nations like Russia, Venezuela and Iran for fuel subsidies, as our State Department has legitimized begging as a viable foreign policy option.

Previously optional equipment will be standard on all models.  Satellite radio will provide the driver with a limited choice of programming–National Public Radio or audio rebroadcasts of “The View.”  Onboard navigation systems are also standard, although they will permit only left turns.  Vice President Joe Biden will compose all the new owners manuals, but it is expected that he will merely plagiarize the previous versions.

The president himself contributed a brave new design reflective of the new political realities.  The Obama Imaj takes advantage of new technology in several respects.  First, electronic amplifiers make the whiny hybrid engine sound like a powerful V-8.  Hologram projectors create the impression that the small economy car is actually a substantial vehicle.  Onboard video screens keep the occupants distracted from the paucity of quality features.  All in all, the Obama Imaj succeeds in making a lightweight seem eminently desirable.  

First lady Michelle Obama is in charge of marketing for the new company, and is convinced that her new slogan will drive people to the dealerships in droves: “For the first time in your life, you will be proud to be an American car owner.”

In the interests of improving fuel economy, Representative Barney Frank has designed the sleek new Loafer roadster.  As befits one of the central figures in the housing crisis, the shifty automobile has no rear-view mirrors.  But using lightweight composites and downsizing components in the car, Frank’s Loafer is the lightest in the inventory.  Its revolutionary nylon mesh seats alone are eighty-five percent lighter than conventional seats, but the open weave design means that the driver’s Fannie Mae be exposed.

Realizing that consumers may find some of these new technologies undesirable, Obama has taken steps to overcome resistance.  Instead of choosing your next car in the privacy of your own home, union representatives in six-man “marketing groups” will call upon you and, under the new “consumer free choice act,” counsel you to choose one of the new cars by the process of card check.  Test marketing has shown that 95% of consumers make the choice that the groups recommend, which means that only 5% of the sample requires hospitalization.

Admittedly, the cost of many new models may be off-putting, but Obama has already made arrangements to address that issue.  Anyone who buys a car he can’t afford may apply for a “personal mobility bailout” financed by taxing those who have recently bought cars they can afford.