by  Lance Thompson  

I’ve been having trouble coming up with a column lately, and certainly not because there are fewer official decisions to object to.  Rather, I find it difficult to express my objections to current administration policy with the existing vocabulary, without veering into invective.  Therefore, I decided to make up a few of my own terms to deal with the issues before us.

For example, how does one describe an administration that seems completely divorced from the reality of the nuclear threats from Iran, North Korea, Communist China and whoever ends up running Pakistan?  But one must also address the relentless apology tours of the President as he asks forgiveness for our military’s fight against oppression, our nation’s imprisoning of terrorists, and our moral leadership on the world stage?

What is the term for a president who is both asleep at the wheel and endlessly seeking forgiveness?  NAPOLOGIST.

What is the term for a Supreme Court nominee who openly ridicules the system of checks and balances that underpin our Constitution, vows to legislate from the bench, and believes that her own Hispanic heritage and gender make her more qualified than any white male?   But the term must also infer the widespread outrage and reaction this nominee causes in the opposition.  Cultural and sexual chauvinism and incited panic would both be encompassed in the term HERSPANIC.

We need a word that conveys a president who has spent four months multiplying our massive debt with unprecedented spending, but also needs three jets to take the First Lady on a dream date to New York, including one plane just for the press.  A president who is unconcerned with the fiscal realities of the nation, yet fully capable of lavishing his attention on his own social calendar can only be called OUTDATING.

How does one describe a President who, during his campaign, vowed to close Guantanamo Bay and bring the prisoners to the United States for trial and incarceration?  But the term would also have to include the refusal of any governor to host the prisoners, and the president’s own immediate reversal of his own policy.  If one were to advise this president to carefully study a situation before making unenlightened decisions that would not lead embarrassing situations, it might be called GIT MO INFO.

What do you call a White House press secretary who never answers a direct question, speaks in sentence fragments that would mystify the most devoted text messenger, and whose incoherent syntax defies analysis?

This master communicator explains policies with a series of unintelligible monosyllables, ducks challenges with a dismissive glazed-over expression, and considers giggling an effective verbal riposte. This executive staff position should simply be known as MISPOKESMAN.

I’m sure more terms will arise as events dictate, but we should apply these first few as needed.  I’ll be on holiday for the first half of June, so maybe the next couple of weeks’ events will inspire an entirely new vocabulary.